Recently I was contacted by the people at www.mancrates.com , a new company that “ships awesome gifts for men in custom wooden crates that has to be opened with a crowbar!” This being October and with all minds focused on Halloween they asked me to come up with a list of items that I would include in a crate to survive the duration of horror movie. Naturally being the uber Horror fan that I am, I accepted the challenge!
Now before I get to the list, I want to say that even though this company specializes in gifts for men that doesn't mean female fans can't buy them for themselves or give them as gifts. I know I for one would love to receive something like this (hint, hint, wink). They have a wide range of boxes so do check them out when you get the chance. Let's get started now shall we....
# 1 A working flashlight: Whenever I think of Horror films, I always wonder why the characters never seem to have working flashlights. We get it, Horror is supposed to be dark and spooky but really nobody with half a brain would explore a dark cave or basement without some sufficient source of light. So, the first thing in my crate would be a flashlight. However, it can't be any old flashlight. Nope, I would need a Faraday one so that I didn't need to stop and change the batteries. I could just give it a shake and be good to go for a few more minutes.
#2 My virginity: OK,OK, I know what you're going to say so spare me the lecture. Were talking horror movie survival here and the only way to do that is to remain the purest girl in the bunch. Now I'm no prude but if not scoring a home run gets me through the end credits than so be it. Plus nobody said survival was easy. Maybe my survival kit could come with one of those creepy purity certificates. I could wave it in front of the killer so he'll spare my ass.
#3 An SAS Survival Guide: You never know what type of situations you'll encounter during your
fight for life. Not all Horror Movie survival is about escaping the big bad. Sometimes you need to deal with things like how to avoid an infected wound or building yourself a shelter on the fly. The SAS survival guide is one of the best in the world to teach anyone (even you Mr. armchair elitist) how to survive in any situation. So get yourself to the nearest bookstore stat because this baby may save your life someday!
#4 A Click Remote: Seriously, how much death and misery can be avoided in films if you could just shut up the other characters around you? That's where the click remote would come in handy. Not only could you rewind moments and save your friends lives but should you choose you could also stop them from uttering death curses or shrieking in horror at literally the worst moments possible.
|Sage advice Leo, sage advice.|
Lastly although this isn't something you can put in a crate it is great advice. Never say “I’ll be right back”, because chances are you won’t be! ” Thank you Randy (Scream 1996) for this oh so useful nugget of information.
What would you put in your Horror Movie Survival Kit? Let me know in the comments below.
If you do end up ordering from Man Crates take a photo. I'd love to see what you put in yours!